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:no: Absolute shockers Mick. :slap:

I went to see one of those faith healers in Liverpool.
He was absolutely rubbish, even the bloke at the front in the wheelchair got up and walked out.......

SuperNickyWroe wrote: ↑24 Jun 2019, 08:42 :no: Absolute shockers Mick. :slap:

Cheers Chris, glad to be appreciated.....

I went round to a mate of mines, his wife has just had a new baby, who he was feeding when I arrived.
"Do you want to wind him?" asks my mate.
I thought that was a bit much, so I just gave him a dead leg instead. =Z

My car wouldn't start so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.
“Hello Mr Beard" he said, "you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too".
I immediately spotted the problem...
Bat flattery

A mate of mine has invented some chicken resistant grass. I asked him how good it was.

"Impeccable” he replied

My Grandad was a baker for the army....



When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.

Mrs Beard crashed her car this morning.........

When the Police came she said the other bloke involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The Police advised her the bloke was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory.

A very old joke, and thankfully no longer applicable - where can you find TUFC's website? In the trophy cupboard!

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said.........

'Well, since ya weekend's fizzed, you might as well gan fishing."

Think I might’ve been targeted by a scam phone call the other day. The message said I’ve won a competition and the prize is either £100 or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. It said to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance.So I pushed her over.

I've been given 3 horse racing tips for boxing day. I've been told that Dusty carpet will take a lot of beating, Razor Blade will go close and the 3rd horse is Broad Bean.
Oh damn, I've just heard that Broad Bean is a non runner

What do you call an Afghan virgin?Never been laid on.

greb46 wrote: ↑23 Dec 2019, 15:44 What do you call an Afghan virgin?Never been laid on.

Sorry to ruin your joke but Osama Bin Laden was Saudi Arabian.