Torquay United Fans Forum

My Grandad was a baker for the army....



When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.

A mate of mine has invented some chicken resistant grass. I asked him how good it was.

"Impeccable” he replied

My car wouldn't start so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.
“Hello Mr Beard" he said, "you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too".
I immediately spotted the problem...
Bat flattery

I went round to a mate of mines, his wife has just had a new baby, who he was feeding when I arrived.
"Do you want to wind him?" asks my mate.
I thought that was a bit much, so I just gave him a dead leg instead. =Z

SuperNickyWroe wrote: ↑24 Jun 2019, 08:42 :no: Absolute shockers Mick. :slap:

Cheers Chris, glad to be appreciated.....

Imagine aliens landing tomorrow.

Aliens "Earthlings, bring us your leaders, we need to talk to your top people"
(Trump, Johnson, Putin, Kim Jong etc are brought forward)
Earthlings " These are our leaders".
Aliens " brilliant, we love it, a fantastic sense of humour, but now bing us the real leaders :~D :~D :~D "
Earthlings "These are the real leaders"

Aliens " Prime the death ray......... "

What are they going to do at their first summit? Exchange colouring books and share their crayons?
We're doomed.......

I went to see one of those faith healers in Liverpool.
He was absolutely rubbish, even the bloke at the front in the wheelchair got up and walked out.......

Janet Street Porter walks into the bar. She says to the barman "Excuse me, could I have a large aperitif".



"I seriously doubt it, love" he replies.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"


Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."


A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord."


Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"



The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Just met a Chinese drug dealer, he said "Have you seen my cocaine"?



........... I said "not since he starred in Zulu"!

I've skim read the thread and this was an unfortunate incident that there is a simple solution to from where I'm standing.
While feeling sorry for View1 the people who turned up having pre booked had every right to the seats (although getting a bit aggressive with a bloke with an elderly relative and young son in tow is out of order). It means you can have an extra pint in Boots safe in the knowledge you'll be sat together even if you turn up at 2.59

Also i wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a response from the club, fans are cash cows and nothing more, anyone who thinks they care about the fans is a fool, none of them give a monkeys about fans.

I've had two incidents at different clubs, Swindon Town (where myself, the 'Tach and ZippyGull bought tickets at a booth outside the ground only to be told when we sat in our allocated seats that no one was allowed to sit on the back row of the stand and ordered to move-why the feck did they sell us the tickets them ffs?) I did point out that many of the victims of the Bradford fire were identified by using the seat numbers but to no avail. The other when I was struck by a coin thrown from the pitch at Shrewsbury with a steward stood next to me when the home fans invaded the pitch at the end of the match.
Although not related to this particular situation, both were safety issues, both were reported to head stewards, my details were left and I e mailed the safety officer at each club. I got NO reply from either, and it's IMHO that neither will View1.

The by far easiest solution to this is issuing a numbered ticket at the turnstile (this is what they do at Hillsborough) and when we go we sit in our favourite spot UNLESS someone turns up then we move. We always get tickets together as they are consecutive in the ticket book. If it's a sell out then we sit in our allocated seats. Season ticket holders seats and pre booked tickets wouldn't (or shouldn't) be available to walk ups.

Seems a pretty simple solution to me.

I hate Christmas films, utter shi-ite the lot of them. Mrs Beard starts watching Christmas 24 in about August ffs!

I watched Dawn Of The Dead (the original 70's film not the crappy remake) on Christmas eve :devil:

PhilGull wrote: ↑11 Dec 2018, 16:54 Why would you want to 'wolf-whistle' someone? What makes you think it should be an acceptable thing to do?

The worlds gone mad (well I think I just answered my own question) if a wolf whistle is unacceptable ffs! When I was a young bloke the ladies would take a wolf whistle as a compliment, that they were looking good. If I'd said "you look nice" that was taken as a compliment, no difference. Who and when decided wolf whistling wasn't acceptable?
Never heard owt so daft in my life. PC Snowflakery at it's worst.

I picked a hitch hiker up late last night. We'd no sooner set off when he said "Thanks, but I'm surprised you picked me up, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
"Well" I replied, "The chances of two serial killers being in the same car must be astronomical........" :-o