Torquay Tony arrives in the brash Essex seaside resort of Southend-on-Sea hungry from the long journey from South Devon. After parking up on the seafront he spots a rather loud, rotund, unwashed chap selling some sort of produce. Tony, locks the car ( it's Saafend mate, won't make much difference that ) approaches 'Dan THE Man' and asks, "I'm not keen on jellied eels, do you have any whelks at all?"
"Fackin' whelks?! Whadda u fink this is mate a bladdy fish markit?!!!! Gow on, sod off ya Devon yokel!"
Tony headed off down the beach, sidestepping the dog turds, broken bottles, discarded condoms and sunbathers towards a burger stall he had seen at the end of the pier. As Tony gazed out into the open ocean and inhaled the fresh sea air, well ok, sea air, he daydreamed about the game ahead SOUTHEND V TORQUAY. The shrimpers v the gulls, the drama to come, the hope of a win which was a distant memory only a few days ago but now in the forefront of his mind thanks to the 2-2 draw at Daggers. Could the mighty Gulls rekindle some form and perhaps play out a repeat of our famous win there under Leroy?
Tony grabbed a kinkajou burger and he was genuinely surprised at the startling array and variety of mushed up rainforest mammals made into burgers for public consumption. He'd had a McDonalds earlier in the day so he thought it best to grab something healthy and natural for his lunch. He carried on walking, the daydream intermittently broken by baby buggies 12 wide pushed by obese smokers in black leggings that apparently are women forcing Tony on and off the pavement.
Essex wide boys in their souped up Vauxhall Corsa's with blacked out windows pounded the sea front promenade with ridiculous music blurting out, shouting 'innit' at passers by and scaring all the tourists. Tony couldn't concentrate on his dream so he headed into the pedestrianised centre to have a look around. Poundland, Poundworld, SuperSavers, Home Bargains, Poundstretcher, Cashyourcheque, Paydayloans and 187 charity shops invited him in but he declined the aladdins caves of sink drainers, portable clothes hooks, 1 million batteries for a quid that couldn't power a fart and other sundry items made in China and are likely to cause death to the under 5's and went back to the car.
I'm sure the residents of this decaying Essex seaside resort will be pleased to know that the local council are bidding for the title, 'City of Culture 2017'. If Southend is in the running then i'd dread to think what the other cities in contention are. Hull will definatly be one of them though. Pure cesspit. Oh and Sheffield, grim as hell. :na:
Tony got back to his car and it was still there where he left it. A truly remarkable achievement and another indication to him that today would be Torquay's day. Off he went in the direction of Roots Hall, guided by the smell off p*ss from the away end and decrepit floodlights in the distance. He found a dodgy parking spot next to a row of terrace houses which cost over £100k each but are home to the unemployed, substance abusers and are actually worth £30k but as usual us Brits get ripped off and pay 3 times as much than something should be.
Tony made his way through the turnstiles, past the bogs that were a permanent reminder in aromatic terms of Britains farming and fishing heritage and into the away end which was buoyant and he began singing with the yellow army. Soon it became apparent that Tony had been duped at the burger stall and had been served a dodgy kinkajou, although Tony had a sneaking suspicion it may have been a tamarin with traces of howler monkey. Either way, it had to come out one way or the other and he rushed to the septic loos to release the liquid.
OH NO! There was no bog roll, Tony had no option but to wipe his arse on his beloved Gulls shirt but he knew that by doing this it would end up looking like an Exeter shirt. He had no option, what began as a happy seaside jolly had now descended into some sort of IBS related footballing catastrophe! He would have to go back in with the yellow army singers smelling of sh*t and he would either have to tell them what he had done or that he was a secret Exeter fan. He was in the sh*t well and truly, if you pardon the pun and all because, like many grounds in our division, the clubs think that men DON'T NEED TO DO NUMBER 2's!!!!! Therefore they don't think it necessary to provide humane toilet facilities. We aren't dogs FFS!
Tony had little option, his 25 years of Torquay supporting life flashed before his very eyes, he simply couldn't ever wear anything like an Exeter shirt. Indeed as a young lad he was offered a professional football contract by Sheffield United but turned it down because their shirts were like the Greeks. He now works at a plastics manufacturer for the minimum wage making bottle tops which he particularly enjoys as he is line manager of the milk bottle top section. There was no other option though, he had to admit that he smelled of poopoo and with that he was ostracised from the yellow army singers and to the sides of the stands on his own. Poor, poor Tony. I think the moral of the story is, if you get caught short, use and undergarment to wipe your ploppydoppy off. It really is that simple.
I can tell that you readers are all pretty tearful at reading this and are upset for Tony, after all, he only wanted a nice day out at the seaside and to see his beloved Gulls soar over Roots Hall and pick off the Shrimps but the first part of his adventure had turned into a disaster, not as bad a disaster as the lives of people who appear on Tricia admittedly but a disaster nonetheless.
Did Tony get to see a Torquay win or did it all end in tears?
What you asking me for?! I only make the stories up, i can't make Torquay win as well! Who do you think i am, boss of a football match fixing syndicate?!! The only thing i could do is get in touch with David Blaine and get him to present some sort of illusion to the Football League so that if we get mullered 4-0 then he can somehow hoodwink them into seeing a Gulls win 4-0 and stick us the 3 points on the table.
That could work although the match fixing option sounds more plausible. We'll have to have a quick whip round in the away end, empty your pockets and bags/wallets lads and lasses and we'll see what we've got to offer the Southend players to chuck the game. They have categorically stated to me though that under no circumstances will they accept 1p's 2p's or 5p's or lipstick. Other assorted cosmetics are fine but no lipstick as it gets on their collars and when they go home their wives/girlfriends think they've been 'rutting' with other women. Jesus, if anyone can get 'friendly' with a woman whilst wearing a Southend shirt then there's hope for me yet! Would it have the same effect with a Torquay shirt on i wonder?
Actually that would be a f*cking EXCELLENT reality show/documentary thingy. We get a reasonably ugly bloke fan of each of the 92 league clubs and send them off for a night out in Ludlow wearing their clubs shirts. Whoever gets the most lipstick on their collars and the most kisses wins the show and gets crowned KING OF CLUBS!! They could do league tables too and maybe highlights ( obviously any oral sex or other promiscuous acts of sexual deviance cannot be shown due to potential contractual obligations but i'm sure negotiations could be held with RED HOT TV for those rights) and we certainly don't want to see our own representative of TUFC caught in any compromising positions. We're in one as it is! We're 2 points off the f*cking bottom! Can't get much more compromising than that i'd say, not even being caught in a dress! The TV companies could call it, 'UGLY FOOTY FANS GET HAMMERED ROUND LUDLOW TRYING TO PULL'. If BBC won't do it SKY will. They could show it on one of these obscure channels that show documentaries of alien sex attacks, people who live with cloven hoofed animals, kids who just want to eat Pot Noodles and about ghosts that haunt caravan parks in north wales. To be honest, this idea is a winner! Sod off you lot it's mine! How do i patent it or copyright it or whatever?
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Back on track, i don't know if anyone has noticed but Torquay are playing on saturday? They look to build on the immense result gained in tuesday nights 2-2 draw with Dagenham and i say immense because we were a goal down and a man down after 5 minutes and given all that has gone on before this season, even the most optimistic of Gulls fans wouldn't have expected to get anything out of the game from that point on but the lads dug in and even when going 2-1 down with 5 minutes to go they somehow managed to rescue a point. Incredible.
By contrast, our opponents on saturday were being put to the sword by strugglers AFC Wimbledon on their own turf and they suffered an unexpected 3-1 defeat. A result achieved not by Southend being poor or Wombles being good but solely because i had put Southend in my football acca and when that happens there is only one outcome, the other team wins.
I think this game is very intriguing and has the potential to be a real cracker. The Shrimpers will look to bounce back from that horrendous home defeat and get back in the play off shake up whilst we look to build on what was our best performance since 1957 and look to get that elusive win to give us some breathing space at the bottom. If both teams live up to their sides ot the bargain then this game should be an absolute corker. Please Knill, don't get us to revert back to the old way of playing as it would be a crippling blow to our survival hopes and we will lose the game. We need the confidence, positivity and energy that our performance on tuesday can help flourish and this is the only way we are going to win games of football from here on in. We can all as fans accept a defeat at Southend so long as there is something positive to show for it like a good, determined and positive performance.
Southend United currently sit in 10th place and 6 points off the last play off spot held by Excretia but they have a game in hand. They have lost 7 at home and have the joint lowest goals for record of any side in the top 10 so the opportunity to sneak a surprise win ala Wimbledon is definately there. In fact they have had some shocking home results all season when you analyse them.
ACCRINGTON - LOST 1-0
BARNET - DREW 2-2
ALDERSHOT - LOST 2-1
YORK - DREW 0-0
AFC WIMBLEDON - LOST 3-1
They have also lost to Cheltenham, Northampton and Gillingham so we can get a win at Roots Hall IMO if we keep it positive. No doubt. They have also reached Wembley by getting to the final of the Jonhstones Paint Trophy. Like anyone is bothered WHO gets to that final. If we got there i'd rather watch the Antiques Roadshow out of principle. The final is ok but all the other rounds are harrowing.
We all know that they absolutely battered us down at Plainmoor when braces from ex - Torquay loanee Gavin Tomlin and Britt Assombalonga did for us and we'll certainly have to do better than that to trouble them. Top scorers are indeed Assombalonga on 14 goals and Tomlin on 15 with Barry Corr on 10 and Ryan Cresswell on 8 but they are more prolific on the road enjoying one of the best scoring records in the league away from home. It is no surprise that they have gone 16 games without a no score draw so goals look in the offing for this one.
In goal they have Paul Smith who made 120 appearances for Nottingham Forest so has a wealth of experience and it is interesting that there was no sub keeper on the bench for their game with Wimbledon.
In defence they can call upon the services of Sean Clohessy, Grenadian Anthony Straker, Irishman Graham Coughlan, ex Sheff U and Miller Ryan Cresswell, Luke Prosser who is suspended for this however, Bilel Mohsni, the evergreen Kevan Hurst and errr 'some others' .
In midfield are John Spicer, Michael Timlin, Micky Spillane who needs to stop knocking out the crime novels and concentrate on his football career IMO. Mark Laird, Alex Woodyard, the evergreen Neil Harris and errrr 'some others'.
Up top there is "do-do-do it's Britt Assombalonga, do-do-do give him the ball he'll score" - to the tune of Black Lace CONGA. I'm sure you Southend fans have your own song for him but you can have that one for free! How's THAT for starters?!
He is on loan from Watford. They also have ex Gull Gavin Tomlin, Barry Corr who is currently back in Ireland trying to get his sisters to get back into the recording studio so might miss out for this, Freddy Eastwood who is often used as a sub and errrr some others but that aren't evergreen.
They have signed a few loanees, Matthew Lund is one who is a midfielder from Stoke City has been added on a 28 day loan which should run out next week i believe.
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Last time out v AFC Wimbledon:
1. Paul Smith (gk)
2. Sean Clohessy
3. Anthony Straker
4. Michael Spillane
5. Ryan Cresswell
6. Luke Prosser
7. Ryan Leonard
8. Bilel Mohsni
9. Matthew Lund
10. Kevan Hurst
11. Britt Assombalonga
SUBS: Daniel Bentley UNUSED, John Spicer ( on for Straker on 71 mins ), Alex Woodyard UNUSED, Freddie Eastwood UNUSED, Neil Haris ( on for Leonard on 46 mins ), Barry Corr ( on for Spillane on 64 mins ).
Attendance : 4,236
I anticipate a more healthier crowd on saturday given it be a weekend and i reckon we might take a similar amount ( if not more ) than Wimbledon.
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THE OFFICIALS
The man in the middle for this game is MR DAVID PHILLIPS who has not reffed us this season and is a policeman in Sussex. God help us, talk about power mad. Copper AND a ref in his spare time? Why can't he do something less megolamaniac like walk some dogs at his local animal shelter or join a church? Help others mate instead of forcing your authority on them all the time. (If you want to come on here and say that policemen help others then fine but you're deluded IMO ). Unbelievable. His assistants the follically delighful NEIL HAIR, if he's bald then i reckon he's had some stick in the past poor bloke AND MR MARK MELLOR. The 4th official is MR CARL FITCH. I can't say i've heard of MR PHILLIPS as a ref but going on his stats he likes dishing out the yellows. Hopefully he can have a good game like the other 2 refs that have had good games reffing us this season.
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TRAVEL CLUB & TICKETS - Can't put the details up as i have no info from the OS yet as they'd rather put up stuff about us being in the Champions League within 5 years or having plastic pitches rather than focus on relevant info in the here and now but hey, it's only less than 2 days until the match so if you want to find otu you will have to ring Southend United on 01702 304050. Please though, use the big yellow fun bus anyway as always and don't forget your medication and ipod. I'm sure the travel club appreciates your continued support and it couldn't run without you guys. Also, a bit of an idea, couldn't one of you dress up as big bird from sesame street as sort of a travel club mascot. He is MASSIVE and yellow and so long as we stick a torquay kit on him and scarf he could be the iconic yellow fun bus mascot to cheer you up after that drubbing. Just an idea folks. It can't be me though as birds are thin and i'm fat. Ben Taylor could do it, he's the right frame and height! (No offence mate). Get yersen volunteering Ben and as payment you could have free travel!
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ROOTS HALL
I've never been to Roots Hall but i've always been fascinated by the name of the ground. The only other ground name i loved because of it's quirkiness was Feethams of old Darlo fame. Apparently the Shrimpers are due to move into a new stadium in time for the 2015/16 at Fossets Farm ( sounds like the southern version of Emmerdale that! EEEBYECKUSLIKE!! ) which is good news as Roots Hall is falling to bits so they say.
The ground holds just shy of 13,000 and is all seater and the stand in which the travelling Gulls will be housed is the main (North) stand which is shared with the home supporters and it apparently has supporting pillars which could impede your view of the action but it is acoustically favourable so let's be like Mastodon and make some f*cking noise yellows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Catering is the usual stuff that reinforces the theory that football fans are indeed NOT a discerning bunch and are still happy to eat anything that remotely resembles food. You will need toilet breaks on the way home. I so wish that football catering would move with the times and offer us more than death in a bap or chips. As for the toilets, don't go in or you'll get dysentry is the general feeling. Alcohol is not served inside the ground and the club bar is for home fans only so for pubs head to the Blue Boar pub which is where the away fans tend to congregate and that is down Victoria Road going towards the town centre. There is also a cracking chippy opposite the pub by all accounts. There are a few other pubs in the area but some are home only so check before you go in and get your face stoved in.
The ground is situated in a residential area of a suburb called Prittlewell and it the club has a main car park which is a fiver or you can park at Southend School for Boys which is a fiver and ideal unless you're a practising member of the clergy in which case, best just find a small side street and stick your car there. There is plenty of street parking to be had also.
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ANDY'S TOWN OF THE DAY - SOUTHEND
It's got sea and sand which i love but it's also got chavs and is within spitting distance of London so it's a dichotomy for me. I would actually like to go to Southend ( the town / seafront / pier and ground ) as i've never been before and it looks sort of fun in a 'shameless' kind of way. My impression is that it's like the Blackpool of the south. Loads to do, loads of pubs and fun to be had but generally it's full of chavs, gangs of cockneys out for the weekend, brashness, hordes of women vomiting on pavements of a night and basically just a mess that you want to get out of. I could be wrong though and i'm willing to give it a go one day whereas Blackpool, i've never been there and unless we play them i never will, is a total slurry pit. Basically everyone i've ever known who is a total knobhead and had the culture and outlook of Wayne and Waynetta Slob has gone to Blackpool for a holiday / weekend and thought it was A) GOOD and B) Acceptable. Vomit, used johnnies, kiss me quick hats, exhausted donkeys, scruffy families with no manners or respect for anyone else, junk food, foul language everywhere 24/7, strip clubs next to kiddies play areas, i feel sick.......................give me a minute.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16..................57,58,59, A MINUTE!!! I FEEL GREAT!!!!!!!!!! 8-]
So Southend, would go once but probably never again but i said that about Accrington and i've been back since!
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I am going to go for a 2-1 defeat in this purely because i belive we will revert back to type and try to defend only going for it late on when it's too late. I say this because i've not seen two great purposeful displays in a row this season, one great game has ALWAYS been followed by a stinker and hopes dashed once more so if i predict a loss and we replicate the Daggers performance then i'll be over the moon and there is no reason why we couldn't get a win. I'm hopeful Knill will go for broke again but my head says no he won't so 2-1 Saafend.
Cheers all for your patience in reading this and now you can get ready for bed.
COME ON YOU YELLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!1 WE NEED THIS!!!! WE NEED THIS !!! I NEED THIS AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE NEED THIS!!!! IN SHORT WE ALL NEED THIS SO COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and by the way, Torquay Tony said that we won 2-1!! GET IN!!!
(Don't know whether to be happy that we're going to win worried by the fact i've now got an imaginary friend
)
