Lost my temper, sent this...
Sir,
I read with absolute horror and utter amazement here
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-be ... s-19940942 that your charity seems to be willing to pay two thousand pounds to repaint some concerete cows.
While I appreciate that it may be difficult, in these austere times, to attract top level graduates to work for your company, I cannot believe that all of the staff concerned with this project are so detached from reality that they believe this to be anywhere near a realistic estimate for the cost of the work.
Having spent all of five minutes with Google, I have managed to find that 10L of perfectly appropriate black masonry paint is available to be purchased, from stock and by the average Joe in the street, for a shade over £90. Now, I am good friends with an eye surgeon, he performs some of the most complex operations known to man, using lasers and fibre optics to perform the intricate tasks associated with his profession. He earns around half a million pounds a year (nice work if you can get it). For this money, he works, typically, 30 hours a week for around 42 weeks a year. This gives him an hourly rate of just light of £400. Given that we seem to have £1910 remaining from our £2000 quote, we can only presume that the remainder is labour. It cannot, with the best will in the world, take more than an hour per cow to clean, prime and repaint them, it just can't, unless the workmen are somehow physically disabled, in which case, hiring them seems an odd choice.
So, we'll allow four hours for the work to take place. This is £477.50 per hour, which is some 19.5% more than my aforementioned eye surgeon friend. While I am sympathetic to the current economic climate and to the relative skill involved in painting concrete cows and the need for the men doing the job to feed their families, I find this excessive and I'm sure you'll agree.
I live in South Devon, I have absolutely no experience of painting (but how hard can it be, the last painter and decorator I met appeared to have parents who were close blood relatives and he did an adequate job), but I am willing to come all the way up to your place, supply my own paint, brushes and sarcasm and do the whole job, on any Monday or Thursday of your choosing for the meagre sum of £1500. Given that it seems someone in your office believes £2000 to be excellent value, I am expecting some sort of hero's reception, and possibly the commissioning of a bronze bust in my honour.
I look forward to hearing from you and receiving 50% of my fee up front as a goodwill gesture.
Best,
M James Parkman.