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Ok so you grab your beer and flake out in front of the sofa, remote to hand for some Christmas Eve entertainment. This is what awaits you.

BBC 1 (paid for by us)

7.30pm EASTENDERS

Oh great, another half an hour of squealing cockney women, people crying and shouting left right and centre and Phil Mitchell grunting. Add to that the fact that seemingly every bloke in the soap is under contract to act like a gangster even the f*cking postman and what you are left with is a purely depressing soap lacking in humour or talented thespians. Shane Richie is in it for God's sakes! Writers continually think that this passes for entertainment and that either a Christmas Day episode must either consist of someone getting jilted at the altar, someone getting caught shagging someones wife of pet hamster (it happened to Freddie Starr), someone having a car crash, a plane crash, train crash, hot air balloon crash or someone murdering someone else or getting uncovered as one. It is so original that i can't get my breath at the predictability of the writers, how about an alien invasion? A huge mothership lands outside the Vic and aliens infiltrate the square (with Max Branning and Phil Mitchell it appears they already have) and the Christmas special turns into some sort of bodysnatchers type theme with cockneys walking around shouting "FAMILY!' and 'YOU WOT?!' and 'YA WANT SAM OV DIS DEN DOO YA?!'. Again, how could we tell if this was the case.

8.00 HOLBY CITY

F*cking marvellous. Peak viewing on Christmas Eve and i'm watching people die, get cancer and suffer accidents. Merry Christmas.

9.00 LAST TANGO IN HALIFAX

Old Yorkshire people in dull, drab 'let's not forget about the over 50's' romantic drama thingy. I see old Yorkshire people every day ffs! I only need look in the mirror and boosh!! Old Yorkshire person (well under 50 though, that needs to be said ).

10.00 NOT GOING OUT

Seen this a few times and ordinarily for a week night it isn't the worst but this is not ordinary week night. This is Christmas Eve. I think?

10.45 OUTNUMBERED

Repeated Christmas special from last year. Thanks Beeb, good to see innovative and progressive programme making. Not only that but it's sh*t.

11.45 WESTMINSTER ABBEY: THE FIRST EUCHARIST OF CHRISTMAS

Loads of believers singing Christmas Carols in a big church. Last Christmas there was a big story up here in Sheffield when a vicar on his way to church on Christmas Eve was attacked by some youths and later died yet people still believe there is someone up in the sky doing good. Ultimately baffling but if it gives people a life path and a sense of unity and community then that is wonderful.

BBC 2

7.30 THE PERFECT MORECAMBE AND WISE

Repeat and half the population have no idea who these two are anyway.

8.00 VICTORIA WOOD'S MIDLIFE CHRISTMAS

Repeat but a step in the right direction. It's Christmas so we want to see comedy and fun and laughter.

9.00 QI XL

After a few watches i quite like this show and this 45 minute escape from mainstream telly dregs this could be the highlight of the 5 main channels all night.

9.45 MEL SMITH: I'VE SORT OF DONE THINGS

A celebration of the life and career of Mel Smith the comedian who died at the age of 60. Oh great, somebody remotely well known has died and to cheer people up on Christmas Eve we'll tell everybody about it. It is a sensible programme in it's own right but is being aired at a totally inappropriate time of the year. Madness.

10.45 COMEDY CONNECTIONS

Repeat. The story about how Smith and Jones got famous basically, cynically re-aired to fill some time and convenient now Mel Smith has passed away. Clever.

11.25 THE AWAKENING

Horror film about a ghost hunter looking for the heebeejeebees in a school.

ITV

7.00 EMMERDALE

God have mercy on my soul.

7.30 YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED AT CHRISTMAS

Home video clip capers and hilarity with footage of Christmas trees toppling over onto trike riding toddlers and blokes looking like Clarke W Griswald bursting out of wrapped presents to shock seemingly unwitting bystanders. Almost as funny as a burst quinsy. The only credit i can bestow is that it isn't a repeat.

8.00 MIDSOMER MURDERS

Super. More death. Festive.

10.15 CHRISTMAS CAROLS ON ITV

Obviously they are on ITV because if you have ITV on and the carols are being sung then by default they are on ITV. You don't have to tell us. An evening of festive performances fronted by solid ecclesiastical-loving ex Choirboy Aled Jones. Please note i said Choirboy, he's not a Wycombe fan.

11.15 COUPLES RETREAT

A film about four couples undergoing relationship therapy on a tropical island. If that isn't a f*cking Alan Partridge idea for a programme on UK Conquest then i don't know what is! It could be presented by Cliff Thorburn. Anyway, the film blurb ends with 'but the treatment only serves to drive them apart'. Bloody hell,someone get me a shotgun.

They end the night with the Jeremy Kyle Show USA, a bit like our version but the studio is twice as big to fit everyone in.

CHANNEL 4

7.05 ICE AGE: A MAMMOTH CHRISTMAS

Animated festive spin off. Maybe they should show a kid friendly documentary on the natural history of the mammoth instead and get them to learn something instead of being stuck in front of a box of lights and sounds being bombarded with CGI extinct animals? Just a thought. Oh, and repeat.

7.30 THE SNOWMAN AND HIS DOG

Animated sequel to the classic and a repeat but i can forgive that for this. It ties in with the spirit and theme of Christmas and great for kids.

8.05 Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Carols and Caravans

Why is there even a platform for this?

9.00 THE IT CROWD SPECIAL : THE INTERNET IS COMING

Followed until midnight by spin offs about the IT Crowd. Great if you like the IT Crowd but if not it's 2 hours dead airtime.

CHANNEL 5

7.00 EDDIE STOBART : 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

If you watch this you should be examined by a professional, if you happen to be a stobart groupee then you should donate your organs to needy people right now.

8.00 THE MUPPETS AND LADY GAGA AT CHRISTMAS

I thought about watching it until i saw the last bit. Who wants to watch Lady Gaga full stop?! She duets with Kermit the Frog apparently. I should get on the blower to Channel 5 because i reckon that if i persuaded the Gulls fan who was dressed as Kermit at Fleetwood to accompany me to do a Christmas Song live on stage then i don't mind being Lady Gaga for the night. It will be a winner! I'll put some lippy on and some clothes that look like Mrs Whippyhead Yvonne Boyd and sing like I've swallowed a whole packet of strepsils. It will be absolute torture for the listeners but i'll make a fortune. The rewards for absolute boll*cks in all walks of life nowadays are huge.

9.10 GREATEST EVER CHRISTMAS MOVIES

The usual compendium. A countdown of the best festive films which after a skinful i might have watched but it is to be presented by Joe Swash who shouldn't really be anywhere near a microphone until he can learn how to speak and Stacy Soloman is also presenting. A combined aural nightmare of the highest order.

My advice to you lot is get some classic premier league on the sports channels, stick a dvd on or go out and get fried. Then get ready for 2 hours of Downton feckin Abbey on Christmas Eve, more Eastenders, more Morecambe and Wise and some Mrs Browns Boys. Oh and the Queen too with a collage of meaningless and empty words. The joys of Christmas telly.

=D

The only decent thing I am looking forward to watching over Christmas is Doctor Who at 7.30, BBC1 on Christmas Day!

:~D

AustrianAndyGull wrote: BBC 1 (paid for by us)

7.30pm EASTENDERS

Oh great, another half an hour of squealing cockney women, people crying and shouting left right and centre and Phil Mitchell grunting. Add to that the fact that seemingly every bloke in the soap is under contract to act like a gangster even the f*cking postman and what you are left with is a purely depressing soap lacking in humour or talented thespians. Shane Richie is in it for God's sakes! Writers continually think that this passes for entertainment and that either a Christmas Day episode must either consist of someone getting jilted at the altar, someone getting caught shagging someones wife of pet hamster (it happened to Freddie Starr), someone having a car crash, a plane crash, train crash, hot air balloon crash or someone murdering someone else or getting uncovered as one. It is so original that i can't get my breath at the predictability of the writers, how about an alien invasion? A huge mothership lands outside the Vic and aliens infiltrate the square (with Max Branning and Phil Mitchell it appears they already have) and the Christmas special turns into some sort of bodysnatchers type theme with cockneys walking around shouting "FAMILY!' and 'YOU WOT?!' and 'YA WANT SAM OV DIS DEN DOO YA?!'. Again, how could we tell if this was the case.

Haha, that made me laugh. I'm convinced that the british are only happy when somebody is totally miserable, even if it's fictional characters in a crappy soap opera.

AustrianAndyGull wrote: 8.00 HOLBY CITY

Is this like Casualty? I used to only watch the first 5 minutes of that just to see who was going to end up nearly dead. "Careful up on the roof, Dad, it's slippery!" - yep..he's toast.

AustrianAndyGull wrote: 9.00 LAST TANGO IN HALIFAX
10.00 NOT GOING OUT
10.45 OUTNUMBERED

No idea what any of these are. Sounds horrible.

AustrianAndyGull wrote: 11.45 WESTMINSTER ABBEY: THE FIRST EUCHARIST OF CHRISTMAS

Loads of believers singing Christmas Carols in a big church. Last Christmas there was a big story up here in Sheffield when a vicar on his way to church on Christmas Eve was attacked by some youths and later died yet people still believe there is someone up in the sky doing good. Ultimately baffling but if it gives people a life path and a sense of unity and community then that is wonderful.

I'm not a religious type myself, but surely this is exactly what they should be showing? Especially the BBC, which is nominally a public broadcaster, and given that the majority is (apparently, although I'm not sure) Christian, this makes perfect sense. Even if I'd rather cut off my ears than listen to more droning hymns (christmas carol concerts at primary school still give me nightmares)

AustrianAndyGull wrote:7.30 THE PERFECT MORECAMBE AND WISE

Repeat and half the population have no idea who these two are anyway.

It's still bloody great, though. I watched these growing up (even though they were repeats even then) and they were all fantastic.

AustrianAndyGull wrote: 8.00 VICTORIA WOOD'S MIDLIFE CHRISTMAS

Repeat but a step in the right direction. It's Christmas so we want to see comedy and fun and laughter.

Victoria Wood is great, even if she was married to the Great Suprendo.

AustrianAndyGull wrote: 9.00 QI XL

After a few watches i quite like this show and this 45 minute escape from mainstream telly dregs this could be the highlight of the 5 main channels all night.

been watching a few of these on YouTube. I've always liked Stephen Fry, so this is great

AustrianAndyGull wrote: 9.45 MEL SMITH: I'VE SORT OF DONE THINGS

A celebration of the life and career of Mel Smith the comedian who died at the age of 60. Oh great, somebody remotely well known has died and to cheer people up on Christmas Eve we'll tell everybody about it. It is a sensible programme in it's own right but is being aired at a totally inappropriate time of the year. Madness.


10.45 COMEDY CONNECTIONS

Repeat. The story about how Smith and Jones got famous basically, cynically re-aired to fill some time and convenient now Mel Smith has passed away. Clever.

Sorry. Not having that. Mel Smith was greatness, and he made a film in Torquay, about people in Torquay.


I was going to reply to all of this but remembered that I'm trying to have one of those 'life' things I read about.

I don't see why someone having a break and typing stuff on a football forum is 'not having a life'. If the average person adds up all the time they spend texting, sifting through sh*t on their phone, wasting time of facebook and other social media banality then in comparison then the volume and content of what i post isn't a big deal. At the moment i am doing some work on the PC, chilling out and popping up with the odd post here and there. I don't post anywhere near the amount i used to nowadays because of people with a similar attitude to you (no offence intended happy). That is why on Saturday there were no posts about the Daggers game from anyone from about 9 in the morning until about half an hour before kick off. I know only 176 of the 2500 of us that are Torquay fans were at Dagenham but what of the other remaining 2324? I suppose they were just too busy 'having a life' to be posting about a crucial game that they're supposed to be bothered about. :~D

AustrianAndyGull wrote:I don't see why someone having a break and typing stuff on a football forum is 'not having a life'. If the average person adds up all the time they spend texting, sifting through sh*t on their phone, wasting time of facebook and other social media banality then in comparison then the volume and content of what i post isn't a big deal. At the moment i am doing some work on the PC, chilling out and popping up with the odd post here and there. I don't post anywhere near the amount i used to nowadays because of people with a similar attitude to you (no offence intended happy). That is why on Saturday there were no posts about the Daggers game from anyone from about 9 in the morning until about half an hour before kick off. I know only 176 of the 2500 of us that are Torquay fans were at Dagenham but what of the other remaining 2324? I suppose they were just too busy 'having a life' to be posting about a crucial game that they're supposed to be bothered about. :~D

Hah Andy, that wasn't any sort of dig. I should have clarified - 98% of my posts are made when I'm at work. So I really should be doing that rather than posting here. And with this post, it was only after I did the work of getting your post and slicing up into separate quotes that I realised how long it was going to take. So I decided to abandon it and instead attempt to look busy.

It's not going very well

No worries happy.

Hope you all have a great Christmas that side of the pond.

The first series of Not Going Out was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Absolutely hilarious.

Matt.

I always thought not going out was dross, cheap comedy with a load of bad puns and people falling over the crux of the jokes. Seems much like Miranda, if you ask me. Although I have never really given either a chance.

Good OP, Andy. I like it.

This Is THE ONLY MUST WATCH TV, this Christmas -

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The Time Of The Doctor

This year's Christmas TV can be summarised in one word.............merde.

Roll on Boxing Day where (hopefully) the only decent thing to watch is at Plainmoor.

Apart from Eastenders being slightly okay ( although the storylines are well OTT), an average Mrs Brown, a solid if not a bit standard Doctor Who, a few Christmas nostalgia shows, a few old favourite films, the tv has been absolute $h1t£! Even the so called new big films most people would have already seen, the best tv was actually repeats or old stuff on gold or ITV 3.

chunkygull wrote: although the storylines are well OTT), an average Mrs Brown, a solid if not a bit standard Doctor Who, a few Christmas nostalgia shows, a few old favourite films, the tv has been absolute $h1t£! Even the so called new big films most people would have already seen, the best tv was actually repeats or old stuff on gold or ITV 3.

ARE YOU **** SERIOUS MAN!!

The bloke who produces this shit should be forced to watch it!!

I only said Eatenders was slightly okay (but very OTT), probably sums up how bad most of the tv was. The best thing in the whole week or so was Queen and Adam Lambert doing the new years eve celebration concert at Big Ben.