That is what I WOULD have said if i was employed by the Bradford Tourist Board but i'm not. I'm in AndyWorld (TM) and in that madhouse it goes something like this.
Seasons greetings one and all and a merry Christmas to everyone! (For December 25th obviously). I don't know who the man who generated the fixtures for this season is but i DO know that he ain't f*cking Santa! I can think of a million and one places i'd rather spend a day in this close to Christmas and Bradford is definately not one of them. Prison is more fun for a day out and a lot safer even if you're sharing a cell with Jeffrey Dahmer, undergoing invasive thoracic surgery at the UK's poorest NHS trust is just about more preferable, being forced to go for a night out with a load of students runs it close but again is more preferable and spending a weekend watching back to back episodes of 'Take Me Out' for charity is hell on earth but give me an endless supply of Haribo Sour Cherries and i'd do it no probs. In fact, even appearing as a contestant on The Million Pound drop is more desirable so long as they don't film it in Bradford.
Bradford is not vibrant and buzzing with life and if you are after a meal of asian origin exclusive to everything else then you are in the right ballpark. There are no boutiques just Poundstores and grim shops and there is absolutely nothing IN West Yorkshire worth visiting unless you include the venues that make it a UNESCO city of film. Says it all really when the only good things to look at in Bradford are indoors! Along with Lancashire, West Yorkshire (IMO) is the worst, most dark, wet, grimy and depressing place in the whole of the UK. West Yorkshire has the largest collection of soul destroying towns and cities anywhere in the world. Leeds, Bradford, Dewsbury, Batley, Wakefield, Pontefract, Castleford, Halifax, Huddersfield, Keighley, Shipley, Ossett, Bingley and Cleckheaton. I've been to quite a few of these places and the one thing that you can say about them all is that they all look and feel the f*cking same. I'd rather be on the Gaza Strip as at least the sun shines. Buildings and mills built from dark stone, fog, rain, general greyness and no sunshine. An overwhelming feeling of helpnessness, sadness and desperation will beset you should you choose to enter the county, and also should you choose to go and watch Torquay at Valley Parade.
I call it Valley Parade because i simply refuse to call it the Coral Windows Stadium because their TV advert is so appalling. If you have ever seen/heard it it has pictures of gay men in dressing gowns walking through conservatories with the song, 'So Coral, Coral stand - by me, whoooaaahh stand - by me' to the tune of Ben E. King's famous 1961 song 'Darling, Darling Stand By Me'! I'm still trying to work out the link and / or relevance between the song AND windows! F*cking heads gone on that one.
Anyway, if for any bizarre reason you are thinking of making a weekend of it in Bradford then the only two places i CAN recommend are two quaint little towns called Holmfirth and Howarth. These are THE ONLY places in the county worth visiting. Holmfirth is famously known as the place where LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE was filmed over many, many years and you can still go and see many of the places and buildings seen in the programme. Why you'd want to do this though makes me scratch my head. You're either an OAP or you like the show which must mean you find it funny. If it's the latter then stay where you are until the doctors arrive and when they get there don't forget to give them your entire DVD collection which will include Waiting For God, My Family, 2:4 Children, Dinnerladies, anything with Keith Lemon in it, Hale & Pace LIVE and a full stand up gig from Al Murray. Holmfirth itself is an attractive little town though and worth a visit in it's own right.
Haworth is also a moorland town with literary links to the Bronte sisters who lived in the town and wrote most most of their 'stuff' whilst residing in Haworth Parsonage. The Black Bull is also a good stop for a bite to eat and some fine ales.
In short Bradford is great if you want a curry or to locate a lady of the night with simplistic ease and even if you've a face like a bowl of smash like me, you can still expect to release some bodily fluid. In my case though it will be snot from me blowing my nose most likely. I have somewhat antiquated views on the use of prozzies and i never have and never will use one. Wouldn't know where to bloody start if i'm honest, i remember going around the red light area in Amsterdam with a mate purely out of interest only you'll understand. Anyway, any of you that's been will know they are all sat or stood in windows and doorways looking at you and gesticulating for you to come in in a thoroughly provocative manner. I was so embarrassed that i spent the entire walk round looking at my f*cking trainers because i couldn't look them in the eye! I looked them in some other places but completely unintentional. I nearly ended up falling into the canal! I managed to cop a look on a couple of occasions and one woman i saw looked like Ronald McDonald! I thought to myself, 'Who the bleedin' 'ell is gonna want to shag a clown?!'. I was actually walking round giggling like a 4 year old instead of getting erect. Then we went to a museum.
Bradford should be treated like a bushtucker trial on I'm A Celebrity, get in there and try and get the hell out as fast as you can in one piece. That's what i aim to do on Saturday and my meticulous planning strategy involves travelling by car, parking as close to the away end as possible, not making eye contact with anyone and responding with the words, 'Eyup' or 'Chapati'. That way i will sound like a local. This means i have to forfeit the very kind offer from a builder who did some work on next door who is a Bantams season ticket holder. We got chatting, i can be very like Alan Partridge when i strike up a conversation actually. Anyway, we got chatting and he said that pre-match he drinks in Haigys Pub and i was more than welcome to pop in. This would mean me traversing Manningham Lane where Band Of Gold was filmed and i'm not prepared to do that without body armour and an array of instant explosives and firearms AND some pepper spray. As i can't get hold of the pepper spray that means my only other option should i wish to take up the kindly builder on his offer is to hire an armoured tank from the MOD and make the short journey to the pub from the ground. Obviously this is slightly impractical as i believe all tanks are deployed in Afghanistan and anyway, it would most likely end up on bricks in the street.
That was Andy's town of the day over with for another away game, hope you enjoyed it. I shall now begin the more serious issue of the game at hand and all the associated stats and facts.
Bradford City are a big club, they have a big stadium and big crowds for the division. Sadly since their relegation from the Premier League 12 years ago it has been one long slippery slide downwards and however 'big' they see themselves in this league, it hasn't helped them get out of it yet. They are always tipped for the top but only by people who clearly haven't a clue how competetive and how difficult League 2 is to get out of. The same people who assume that because Bradford are the biggest club in League 2 then they must walk it. This chronic arrogance and underestimation of the quality of teams like Torquay, Cheltenham and dare i say Exeter really gets on my moobs and although i'm not suggesting for one minute that Phil Parkinson and his players have this thought process, it certainly must cross their minds now and again.
This season they have started really well and perhaps without wanting to tempt fate for Bantams fans, this year could see you in the thick of a promotion battle come the end of the campaign. Failure certainly wouldn't be through lack of squad depth or individual quality. In fact with the squad Phil Parkinson has at his disposal compared to the rest of league 2, you could argue that an automatic spot is the very least they should be achieving. A club who can afford to let Ross Hannah go out on loan are a club with too many options. That could be their undoing. ( Hannah is banging them in at Codheads FC who are currently top of the conference ).
They sit in 6th place in the league on 32 points and have only lost once in 8 games in all comps, a 1-0 home defeat to Exsh*tter. In fact they have only lost 2 league games all season, the aforementioned defeat to the Greeks and a narrow single goal loss to on-fire Port Vale. On top of that they have netted 17 times and only conceded 6. Concerning stats if you are a Gulls fan which we all are of course.
Last time out they salvaged a 1-1 draw at home in their FA Cup Second Round game to league 1 side Brentford, James Hanson's 70th minute strike cancelling out Clayton Donaldson's first half goal. A replay at Griffin Park is to be arranged, something they perhaps were wanting to avoid as their success in the cups this season has already seen them play 8 games in October and 8 games in November. They are through to the JPT Quarter Final where they will play Port Vale this tuesday night ( i post this after this weekends games so don't take into account this game ) and surely they will be showing signs of fatigue for our showdown on saturday. In addition to this they also face Arsenal at home in the Capital One Cup Quarters the following tuesday after our game so some players may be subconciously thinking ahead to that game which i believe we can exploit. They have knocked out Watford, Burton and Wigan already in this competition. So the fact that Bradford have already played a lot of football compared to us AND the fact that they play on tuesday away at Vale Park BEFORE playing us AND they have the big Arsenal game on their minds AFTER they play us will never give us a better opportunity to seize the initiative and catch them on an off day.
Top scorers for Braddy are Bermudian international NAKHI WELLS who has 14 in all comps, next best is JAMES HANSON on 6 and former Gull Alan Connell has 3 along with defender Andrew Davies. There are a host on 2 and 1. Other key players to look out for are former Tyke and Donny Rover RICKY RAVENHILL who, like me has the unfortunate and tragic distinction of being born in Doncaster. The Bantams have a couple of West Ham players in their ranks, Jamaican ZAVON HINES and KYEL REID and they also have defender STEPHEN DARBY who spent six years at Liverpool. Goalkeeper MATT DUKE has turned out for Hull City for a good number of years and they also can call upon the experience of 36 year old ex-Rochdale and Barnsley man GARY JONES. Another decent player who Bradford will be without is defender ANDREW DAVIES who any of you who were there last season you may remember he got sent off after 21 minutes in what was possibly the worst performance i've seen under Ling. They went on and won the game 1-0 with us creating zilch. Anyway, Davies is out for 4 months with a knee injury. Also out are last season's player of the year, centre half LUKE OLIVER who is out for the season and recent loanee defender JOHN EGAN who broke his leg in the game against Plymouth. Basically the moral of the story is, if you're a defender and get a phone call to go to Bradford on loan then tell them to f*ck off otherwise you'll end up in a bloody wheelchair.
Phil Parkinson has also dipped into the loan market and added a further 3 players to his squad. BLAIR TURGOTT, an 18 year old midfielder was signed from West Ham until January. TOM NAYLOR, the former Mansfield Town defender was brought in from Derby County again until January and Australian CURTIS GOOD, a 19 year old defender arrived in the grim wastes of West Yorkshire from the grim wastes of the North East. Newcastle. Again until january.
Line up last time out at home to Brentford in the FA Cup:
1. Matt Duke (gk)
2. Stephen Darby
3. James Meredith
4. Rory McArdle
5. Curtis Good
6. Ricky Ravenhill
7. Garry Thompson
8. Nathan Doyle
9. Blair Turgott
10. James Hanson
11. Alan Connell
SUBS: Jon McLaughlin (gk) UNUSED, Carl McHugh UNUSED, Ritchie Jones UNUSED, Will Atkinson ( on for Thompson on 61 mins ), Adam Baker UNUSED, Gary Jones ( on for Ravenhill on 61 mins ), Nakhi Wells ( on for Connell on 61 mins ).
The attendance for this game was a shocking 3,620 when you consider they usually get 10,000 for a league game. In their last home league game v Plymouth they got 8,843 which is probably around the figure expected against us.
Valley Parade itself is a tidy ground and it is sad to see it in such cavernous glory, in such emptiness with Bantams fans dotted about the place like dead ants. It is a little weird because it almost appears as if it has been crammed into the tiniest space possible between streets but it is a big, big ground. The travelling Gulls are usually stuck at the end of the Midland Road Stand which gives good views of the playing area and the catering and facilities are just about acceptable. I've been here twice and seen us lose twice and the one thing i have noted is how cold it was both times. I also got hit on the head by an inflatable banana one game. The one thing that annoys me about the place is the colour scheme, purple and orange make me want to puke to be honest and if Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen came to watch a game here he's first of all do a Cardiff and change the Bantams strip to pink and then get to work painting the seats. I can't say i'd blame him. Bradford have the most grotesque colour combinations in league 2. It's a good job they don't make trainers otherwise Matt would be first in the queue!
The ground was the scene of one of English football's most tragic disasters when in 1985 a fire ravaged the ground and 56 people lost their lives with 265 injured. I'm not 100% sure but the last time i visited the ground i couldn't find an obvious memorial or anything outside the ground remebering those who tragically perished in this awful incident. Maybe Bantams fans can come on and let me know if there is anywhere like this so i may visit for a brief moment to reflect, respect and remember on saturday.
There are plenty of watering holes around the ground who accept away fans and although there is no bar at the club itself i am led to believe alcohol is served inside the stadium. The club shop is worth a visit, it's a fair size and along with Port Vale possibly the biggest in the division. Last time i was there i also managed to purchase a printed fanzine called CITY GENT which was superb. They are a dying breed and i just love fanzines. Somebody bring back Capital Gulls!! PLEEEEEASSEEEEEE!
TICKETS & TRAVEL:
Tickets for this one are £20 for adults ( Merry Christmas to you too yer robbing c*nts!! )
Senior Citizens (Over 60's) - £14
Under 16's - £12
I applaud the refusal of Bradford to offer reductions to students. Let them get used to living in the real world for once!
Travel details are as follows:
Coaches depart from Paignton Railway Station @ 6am
Coaches depart from Torquay Coach Station @ 6.15am
Coaches depart from Newton Abbott, Penn Inn @ 6.30am
Coaches depart from Exeter Services @ 6.50am
Adults will pay £35 for a return ticket on the big, festive, merry yellow fun bus or if you just want to sit on your own in a corner being anti-social and looking at passing traffic and dribbling then you can do that too. That would be my preferred option.
Under 12's are £17.50 return and MUST be accompanied by a responsible adult. Given the sight of what rolls off the supporters coach on a usual away day, i can guarantee there won't be a single kid under the age of 12 on it! :na:
Seriously, i know it's close to Christmas and it's bloody cold but if you are in two minds about going to Bradford on the coach then just f*cking do it damn it!! We need you! Your team needs you! The yellow army need you and the travel club need your continued support. You know it makes sense lads and lasses, get Bengull to chip in with a few free confections on the way up. He runs a sweet shop in Brixham you know. ( Lucky b*stard! ). If i ran a sweet shop there'd be p*ss all left. I'd go bust after a week, literally. Jelly Beer Bottles, i can't get 'em round here and Ben and myself do covert transactions outside football stadia whenever we meet up at away games. I hand him 5 pounds in cash and he gives me a bulging bag of delicious jelly beer bottles which i devour quicker than American truckers eat at an against-the-clock animal consumption challenge at a local zoo.
If you are travelling by car up from Devon then first of all you're mentally ill, but i can provide some directions if that's any help? Don't forget the lithium too though. That will probably be a bigger help. You'll probably end up in Bournemouth though as you are mentally ill remember? Presuming you are coming from Devon you will head through Yorkshire on the M1 past Sheffield. Take the M62 then the M606 into Bradford city centre. Before you reach the centre you take a left onto the A6177 ring road and follow it round for a bit until you get to the top end of the city and Manningham. If you take a left down Manningham Lane (A650) then the ground is off the side streets around there and it is street parking only. If you carry on the A6177 and go past Manningham Lane and straight on you will come to a railway bridge. I park on here and it is a 5 minute walk to the ground, and it is pretty safe and open. :~D
The last meeting between the two sides came at Plainmoor last February when we were on a long run of excellent form and they were struggling but had just signed ex-Hull City and Premiership striker CRAIG FAGAN. Typically he bagged the winner in a 2-1 victory after Danny Stevens had put us in front after just 12 minutes. The reverse fixture was played in October in front of 11,738 spectators and in what was probably the worst performance i have ever seen from a Torquay side. Bradford went down to 10 men after defender ANDREW DAVIES was sent off after just 24 minutes. From there on in it was US who looked like we had men short and hardly came out of our own half for the rest of the game. Bradford scored after 68 minutes through that man again CRAIG FAGAN and we lost 1-0. What was worrying about that day in relation to now is that i have seen similarities in performance a few times this season when we were obsessed with knocking the ball sideways and backwards, defending all the time and offering zero up front. Fortunately Ling has managed to turn this around somewhat recently due to two wins on the spin where he selected a more positive line up.
The Gulls go into this game having won their last two games, both without captain Lee Mansell who will sit out the remaining game of his 3 match ban for this one. Will he go straight back into the team after Easton et al have coped so admirably? I reckon Ling WILL stick him straight back in and time will tell if that proves to be a mistake. It's a difficult one for Martin but do you change a winning team? ( Assuming we win or draw at Bradford that is ). Maybe Lee will have enjoyed the time out and be ready to come back in all guns blazing and we will see the benefit of that but one thing is for sure, should Ling bring him back and he chooses to go more conservative again in team formation then IMO it will be an IMMENSE step backwards and an IMMENSE mistake. Anyway, that discussion is for the Northampton thread.
As i was saying, confidence is high and Rene is due a goal so it bodes well for Bradford. I actually think that this game is one where it could actually benefit us to soak up some pressure and play a little more defensive and try and hit them on the break. As i've said before, i'm not opposed to playing defensive, negative, cagey football but there are times and places and to do it every game is laughable. Martin was doing this but i think that this game is suited to us stifling them, and then picking up the tempo later on in the game if we're still in it. Like Rotherham away. We stifled them for all the first half and they created nothing and it only took a defensive mix up to hand them a goal on a plate but the unacceptable thing about the Rotherham performance was the fact that we never even had a go at attacking. If we do the same against Bradford and then kick in the turbo later in the second half by attacking with purpose, pace and frequency then we can beat them no problem.
I will go for a 0-0 draw and i wouldn't be surprised if we were on the back foot for large periods of the game. I would be happy with a 0-0 and a defensive performance only if we attacked with purpose and desire on the occasions we got the opportunity. Creating nothing much like we did at York would disappoint me greatly. I'm going to this game to lend my voice for 90 minutes and hopefully meet up with a few of you on the back step. I'm gutted to be paying £20 to get in but on the plus side i can park for free and it's not too far for me to travel, i also won't be able to go and watch the mighty Gulls again until Burton away in 6 weeks time should i not be able to get to Aldershot on the 29th of December.
I hope we can get a few of us to Bradford as the last two times i've been we've been really subdued.
